Full of Spit and Vinegar...

2010-09-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

How does one begin a 365 day journey into the unknown? One baby step at a time I suppose. This all came about during a conversation where I said "Imagine if I could take my work ethic and apply it to all aspects of my life. Where would I be in just one year?" Well, the journey has begun and it's going to be an interesting one for sure.

Within just two days I found myself right back to my usual pattern of making excuses and not following through. One step forward, two back. I went to work and was bombarded with things to do. I quickly found out that if you try to pass yourself off as Superman, you better get your ass in gear and try to live up to it!

I neglected the gym and ate crappy food as the stress levels piled on, but each day I faced my Shade in the mirror and could see him smirking back at me, just nodding his head as if to say, "See? I told you, you couldn't do it." I hated myself at that moment. Loathed the weakness inside me that I had let control my actions. Such huge ideals, only to let myself down yet again.

But you know what? It was just a lesson. My Shade did me a favour. It highlighted just how easy it is to take the Path without Heart. To justify to ourselves that we aren't worth the effort. And it's sneaky too. Your mind finds these seemingly logical and harmless excuses to not live up to your full potential every day. Work was long and hard, it takes effort to get ready for the gym and then you have to change, and work out, then shower and change again. Then you have to make your way home, which means you'll be eating later. What if you have family?

The Shade knows every twist and turn of your mind and how it works probably better than you do. In fact, it's probably been the real boss for so long, that you almost can't distinguish between it and yourself.

Every once in a while though, I catch a glimpse of this villain. And know that I have given voice to its name. Now that I know it's there, lurking around every corner. The bastard is getting easier to spot.

So today I've made a conscious choice that the Shade will not win out. I'm up and ready to make a good breakfast. I'll hit the gym and make that sucker work till he cries like a wee baby. I'll then shower and go into work today feeling like a million bucks. Full of spit and vinegar and ready for a day of challenges!

With that being said. It's time to embark upon today's journey toward the Spectacular!

In a Flash of Inspiration...

2010-09-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

“Take Happiness” –Robert Michael Bursey

I’ve always been good at dreaming and talking a big game –to myself and others –but I’ve also always been just as good, if not better, at not following through on those dreams and big promises. I’m one of those guys who says they’ll do something, gets excited and tells everyone they know what is going to happen. I start out super productive and full of steam, and then...as predictable as the tides, I lose that same hype and drive within months, weeks, days, hours, or even seconds. Oops. There goes another big promise down the drain. Another notch in the belt of failure. Sound familiar?

Well, I’ve decided that today of all days is different. Because this time I mean it. I really REALLY mean it! That’s what we tell ourselves right? We tell ourselves that this time it’s different. That this time we’ll do “IT” right.

This blog is really starting out as a grand experiment for me. A personal experiment where our hero –let’s call him Jimmi –undertakes a journey to totally reshape his life from top to bottom over the next twelve months. A one-year epic odyssey where we take a 36 (soon to be 37) year old man, who’s got a decent life –but one that falls far short of Spectacular –and track the changes he makes to all aspects of his life in order to see just how close he can get to “Spectacular”.

Throughout this blog I am going to refer to many different sources. There will be quotes and information presented from workout regimes, fitness and nutrition gurus, religious or famous figures, philosophical belief systems and a myriad of other credible paths. The very important common thread here is that everything I write about will be in regards to My personal journey. If something is presented or quoted here, it’s because it resonates with me personally and either gives me information I can adapt to my own belief system, or inspires me to push beyond my limits. Again, this is My journey. It’s not going to be Your journey.

Why isn’t it going to be Your journey? Well, that’s fairly simple. You’re an individual human being, with a totally unique perspective on the world and your place in it. While you and I could be similar in many ways, we can’t fully comprehend just how the other sees themselves. We can talk, and share, and get a sense of who we each are. But still, in the end, it’s just you in your shoes. My hope is that by reading this, and sharing with you My journey. You may be able to find some inspiration of your own, and go out and “Take Happiness” for yourself.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Truth

Before I begin my journey I want to first try to get an accurate self-assessment of just where I am and who I am at this moment in time. I am going to break this section into three parts –the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. What do I mean by these three categories? Well, no matter who you are, no matter where you’ve come from, or where you are now. If you have a pulse, then each and every one of us, has things about ourselves and our lives that are Good, Bad, and Ugly. I want to take some time and get into each of these aspects of who I am, because I feel that by doing so, I’ll better be able to measure just how far I will have travelled in this journey over the next twelve months.

The Good

Here’s the fun part. It is where I get to talk about all the awesome and fantastic things that I have going on at this moment. I think it is really important for us all to have the good things in our lives clearly defined and ready to summon up at a moment’s notice. Because life can get very tough, and our minds and the circumstances and challenges we are presented with on a daily basis can often take us to some very dark and dank places inside. Without having a clear picture of just what all the good is about us, and around us, we can easily lose sight of the goal line –let’s call it Happiness –and before we know it, years have gone by where we are walking through life like a half-shadow half-person. I call this person a Shade. I’ll talk more about this perilous and dangerous being later, but for now, let’s get back to our fearless hero, Jimmi.

At this moment I am nearly four years into a career where I’ve managed to work very hard and get promoted rather quickly. I’m by no means where I want to be yet, but three promotions in three years is successful by my standards. I’ve worked my tail off to earn a reputation as an enthusiastic and respected member of the company and I’m confident in the fact that for the most part I am well-liked by my peers and seen as someone who is a leader.

I have always been blessed with a great –albeit dysfunctional in their own way –family. We’re a small family, but the love is most definitely there. My parents separated when I was four and my Mother and I moved in with her parents (Grandpa Jim and Grandma Patricia). We stayed with them until I was eleven years old, at which point Mom and I moved in with my step-father Ray. Now, I didn’t just live with Grandpa and Grandma, but also with my Great-Grandparents, who lived in an addition at the back of the little house on Birchwood Avenue. Four generations under the same roof for many years. The result of this, was that I had a wealth of family that surrounded me with love and support. Now, at this point in my life, my Grandpa is still around at the age of eighty-eight. He’s one of my many heroes, and you’ll hear more about him later.

As far as friends go, I’d rank mine up there with the very best. I have a tight-knit group of very special people who have helped shape the Man I am and will help shape the Man I will become. Each of these people bring some quality to our group dynamic that the others wish they had more of. In the words of Jerry Maguire, They Complete Me. Sure we have our ups and downs (I probably drive them nuts from time to time) but at the end of the day, we are there for one another through thick and thin with no questions asked.

Physically I’m not a bad looking guy. I’m no GQ model, or style/fitness guru, but I’m not Quasimodo either. I used to be in great shape and each morning when I wake up and wander to the bathroom to get ready for my day, I can still see the guy I used to be lurking there under the layer of soft, flabby skin I’ve cultivated over the past few years. He’s waiting to have his turn again. Well that guy. He is going to have the time of his life this year!

Something else that is good in my life is that I am finally becoming smarter with my money. Money, the root of all –or at least many –Evils. I’m renting my own place and managing to keep the bills paid, food in the fridge, and some spending money in my pocket. When I consider where I’ve come from the past ten years, this definitely ranks in the “Good” for me.

On a final note, I am going to put the fact that I am single in the Good category. Now the reason for this is because after eight and a half years my girlfriend and I decided to part ways. How is this Good? Well, our lives were going in different directions. We had a lot of the same goals and desires, but some of the key things we each wanted out of our relationship were missing and unfortunately were not a priority for the other person. No one did anything stupid. No one lied or cheated or hurt the other person in any way. In fact, we had the best parting two people could ever have in such a situation. At this time, I’m happy to say that she’s my best friend and one of the most amazing influences I’ve ever had in my life.

I could go on and on about all the good things in my life right now, but I think you get the picture. When we stop to really clarify what is going well right now, what is good in our lives, the ball starts rolling and the momentum builds. And just think, that’s where I am right now. Now with a life that’s decent but far shy of Spectacular.

The Bad

As I sit here at my desk typing these words I can feel the flab over my belly as it settles down over my belt like the top of a muffin. The effect makes me slouch in my chair and generally makes a small part of me hate myself for what I’ve allowed to happen. I’m currently 205 pounds on a five foot, seven inch frame. I’ve no idea of the percentage of body fat, but I don’t need to know it, to figure out that I feel gross and in some ways older than I am. Now, one of the biggest things about my physicality at this moment, is that the way my body feels has had the effect of producing acute anxiety attacks from time to time. I’m even sure that I have some form of sleep apnea that makes me lurch out of bed like a gasping fish sometimes, as my body struggles for air. I’m not obese by any means, in fact people tell me I look just fine. But in the end, it is about how I feel that matters. I know that I am unhealthy and not nearly in as good shape as I used to be, and more importantly, could be.

While I am close with my Mom’s side of the family, I have lost touch to a large extent with my Father’s side. This is important to note in the Bad category for me, as I actually have a desire to be closer to them and reconnect. I’ve just let my own lazy tendencies get the best of me for many years. I’ll talk more about this later, but suffice it to say, that this area needs improvement.

In my professional life, I can often be disorganized and chaotic. This has harmed my ability to progress and make the most out of my career. You might find this in stark contrast to me saying how I’ve come far in a short time. But to me, it only highlights how far along I could be, if I were to be even more organized and driven. Let me make an important point to you however. While I can be driven and career oriented, no one in my opinion should be career ruled.

Another thing to chalk up to the Bad, is that all throughout my twenties, I made just about every wrong decision one could make financially. I loved to party and shop and spend my money with no regard to the future. I was often late on payments and in many ways somehow convinced myself that it would never catch up with me. Guess what? It did. I ended up in collections for my defaulted student loans, and even then, I couldn’t man up and change. Instead I tried to duck and dodge the evil collectors, and probably put my parents through hell as they watched my life slowly disintegrate. It was only through the influence and help of my girlfriend –the infamous best-friend –that I managed to get a handle on things, pay the agencies and get them off my back.

Now, I may be staying afloat, but I have no savings, no investments, and nothing put away for a retirement that draws nearer with every passing year. Let me tell you, being thirty-six and not having a retirement plan, is seriously becoming an issue! And I’m not alone in this. My friends for the most part, don’t have much in the way of these things either. I’m guessing, that many of you are also probably in similar boats, or at least can relate to some of these things from your own past.

And finally, while I may be best friends with my Ex, I’m lonely. I want what I think most of us want. Someone to be connected with on a higher and intimate level. Someone who not only gets me, but is going in the same direction and makes me more than I am by myself. I take a look around me and see so many great examples of the kind of love that I want for myself but don’t have. I see the kind of women that attract me, but when I look inside myself, I don’t think I am what they look for in a mate. For me, the worst thing is, that I can’t bring myself to lower my standards as some people say. Because there has to be something in each of us that says “Hell no. I’m worth everything that I want in life.” Doesn’t there?

It is important to assess the Bad in our lives I think. Not so we can wallow in our own misery or justify our “poor me” attitude, but so that we can properly define what it is that we need to change. Really, changing the Bad to Good, is the goal line. Happiness.

The Ugly

Okay, you thought Bad was Bad? You ain’t seen nothing yet! The Ugly is that most dangerous and perilous of things. It is an entity all on its own with an agenda to destroy. I call it the Shade. It represents the evil inner critic of anything and everything about you and your life. Make no mistake ladies and gentlemen, The Shade is the Terminator when it comes to living a life that is Spectacular and full. It is that part of us, that undermines everything we do. It tells us we aren’t good enough. That not only will we never make it, but we shouldn’t even bother trying. The Shade perches on our shoulder like death or fear, always just out of sight, but felt nonetheless.

For years I’ve made goals and promises to myself and others that I’ve broken time and again. Each morning I wake up and stare in the mirror and wrestle with conflicting emotions. On the one hand I have hope each day that Today is the day that I finally make a change for good. On the other hand I have a laundry list of my previous failures weighing me down. If I could draw a picture of myself as the Shade it would look like a shadowy, hunched figure of a man struggling against a strong wind as he walks. Behind him trail chains of black and cold iron, each with an anchor that’s dragging in the earth behind him. Each step a struggle against nearly insurmountable forces.

This is the Ugly. That thing that sits inside us like a cancer, eating away at our confidence, our drive, and our courage every moment. If we give into it, like so many do –myself included –we diminish ourselves in our own eyes. We become a Shade of what we could be. Living a half-life that is okay for the most part, but also one that is always missing something. So many of us feel disillusioned and restless, like there’s this whole world out there that we are not fully a part of. For myself, I feel this immense sense of discontent and disconnection with my life, and my place in the world. I can never quite define it, but there’s a part of me that is blindly searching for some greater meaning, or even something More. The scariest thing, is that when I think about it too long, the Shade rears its ugly head and whispers to me that not only are my dreams unattainable, but this, right here, right now, is as good as it will ever get for me. I don’t know about you, but that scares the crap out of me.

My anxiety builds and my pulse quickens and something inside my chest constricts as fear of this beast grips me. Not yet I say over and over. I’m not done yet, I’ve still so much to do. So much I can do. And all the while I can almost hear the Shade laughing at me in the background.

“Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

-Dylan Thomas

Why Call it a Warriors Journey?

There are many different warrior traditions in the world and throughout history. For many people the term Warrior is synonymous with War. Some traditions embrace this belief, and others remove themselves from it. I suppose it’s all relative to your own perspective. I have always had a love of Vikings, and in particular the mythologies of the Norse Gods. In the Norse tradition, the Gods knew that in the end, they were all doomed to die at Ragnarok. The Fenris wolf would swallow the moon and Odin the All-Father of the Gods would die fighting it. The god Freyr would die fighting the fire giant Surtr. And noble Thor, perhaps the most famous Asgardian would slay the Midgard Serpent and in turn drown in its venom.

Pretty dreary stuff, eh? One might think so, if they didn’t in turn understand that in the Norse tradition, it wasn’t about how things would end. But about how one lived their life in each moment until the end. The Warrior’s Journey is destined to meet with death. But it’s the steps in between that truly matter. That to me speaks whole volumes about a Warrior’s outlook on the world. At least warriors as they are in my eyes.

So, like Mr. Thomas who entreats us to Rage against the dying of the light, I too want to become a Warrior. I want to look my Shade in the proverbial eye and not shy away. In fact, I want my Shade to fear for its own existence. I want it to cower in a dark little corner like a bully who’s been faced down. Because only that way, will I be able to realize the Spectacular.

I’ve read Millman, Castenada and a host of others who talk about how a Warrior chooses a path with heart, and lives every day with death perched on their shoulder reminding them to live every moment like it’s their last. And what’s the Path with Heart? It’s that inner crossroads we come to where we are shown the quick, easy way, and the hard right way. The Warrior spends so much of his time, living in the moment, that he or she sees more of these crossroads than the rest of us. In fact, the Warrior not only sees these choices earlier, but makes a point to always choose the more difficult path. The Path with Heart.

As you read these posts you’ll get a chance to share my Warrior’s journey, and come to more fully understand what it means to me to be a Warrior. Truthfully I’m not one-hundred percent qualified to give you a definitive guide to being a Warrior right now. I simply don’t know enough, and haven’t yet progressed down that path far enough to be an expert. I can only give you what my thoughts are on this at this particular time -right here at the very beginning of my journey.

The Undecided State of Being

Full of Spit and Vinegar...

In a Flash of Inspiration...